Peopling can be a challenge, but it doesn’t have to be. Everyone, well, almost everyone, is looking for someone to become a part of a relationship with. This is natural. However, there are steps that should be taken to prevent confusion down the line. First, we have to develop our relationship with our self. How can we be a part of an inter-personal relationship with someone else when we have not even taken the time to consider our own needs? If we go diving in headfirst at some point, we are going to find that the water may be a lot shallower than we thought and that is not a good thing if it ends up causing a bump on the noggin and scrapes and bruises on our emotions.  

Before you go off into mating mode ask yourself a few questions.  

1. Am I happy with myself? 

2. Am I willing to share the things that make me happy with someone else? 

3. Am I willing to change, even and especially if that means giving some of the things, I enjoy up for someone else? 

Most importantly you have to ask yourself have you spent enough time getting to know you?  There are all types of relationships; interpersonal relationships. Family relationships. Work relationships. Friendships. Acquaintances. Divine relationships. The first relationship you have to develop is the one that you have with yourself. Otherwise, the interactions that follow could be based on lies and you might not even know it! All because you were too hesitant to look into the mirror for a few minutes just to see if you can stand to look yourself in the eyes.  

It will save you a lot of trouble down the line if you take the time to get to know yourself before you start to attempt getting to know others. You may be surprised by what you find.  

1. Are you where you want to be in life?  

2. Do you have something to bring to the table, any table, even if you are dining solo? 

3. Do you have plans for your future? 

4. Are your plans firm or adaptable? 

5. Have you achieved everything you want to as a single person? 

If you have goals and you are looking to start a new relationship it is important to understand that they may have to be put on hold if you are starting something new. Also ask yourself if starting something new isn’t just an excuse, or way to avoid having to face yourself because you are afraid that your plans may fall through. It is alright to change plans, but you should be aware that you are doing it. You don’t want to get involved and then look back with regret blaming your relationship when you really knew that those plans weren’t for you all along. It will save you a whole lot of trouble later to start by being honest with yourself now.  

So, let’s take a moment to ask some questions of yourself and give realistic answers. 

1. What are my lifetime goals? 

2. What are my goals for my education? 

3. What are my goals for my career? 

4. What are my goals for my credit? 

5. What are my goals for my home life? 

6. What are my goals for my social life? 

7. What are my goals for my religious development? 

8. What are my goals for my spiritual development? 

9. What do I need in order to achieve these things? 

It is possible to still achieve personal goals while you are in a relationship, but the truth is that you are going to be using your most precious asset either way; time. Understand exactly how important it is that you invest your time and money in a way that is invaluable to you because you cannot get it back. Time especially, because although you can always make more money it is going to take time to do it.  

Also, do not be ashamed to change and adapt your personal expectations at any age. Although I am not encouraging you to be wishy washy, I am inviting you to consider the various paths that your life can take and to know that if you find something is not working for you there is no shame in admitting it and starting something new. You may not be the person you were in high school by the time you graduate university. As long as you have a way to support yourself financially and emotionally then you are still adulting and that is what matters most. Do not let the internet be your gauge of what you should and should not be doing with yourself.  Timelines are for individuals even though they may be visible to the public. Also, celebrities are people who are paid to post. Therefore, it is their JOB to share those things. They are ALWAYS working and ALWAYS on. Even the local celebrities who you may not consider “famous” are still getting advice from their management to maintain a certain image.  

Speaking of timelines. Keep your relationships PRIVATE. It’s okay to post pictures and whatnot but be aware that not everyone is going to wish you well. Some people may try to sabotage you because of a grudge that you never even knew about. Instead of coming to you directly they may start rumors, or find some other way to bring discord into what very well may have been a happy home. Do not give them any extra ammunition.  

This type of relationship is one that is formulated at a young age for some because we grow up with these types of people who we look up to in school. Or as adults if we are new in places such as church or on the job and we may admire the woman or man who appears to be where we want to get. A “director” of the choir. Or a “minister” with their own programs. We may be admiring our own potential and projecting our personal vision onto the person currently holding a position similar to the one we wish to be in one day.  

Now to be fair in instances where people take advantage like the one described above let me remind you that there are people in positions of power who are going to use you to their own advantage and it is up to you to decide how you want them to be handled. For instance, I have a fellow student I met at an event planning seminar. We met at a class that I was taking to build upon my wedding coordinator experience. She was working at a company where her boss was difficult to say the least. Without knowing much about the student’s personal circumstances or ever meeting the boss the teacher sort of brushed the students experiences off as if to say; “your case is beyond my help.” 

In other words, at some point the teacher had dismissed the student in the same way that the boss had. Telling her that it sounds like she was just working for an @$hole and that there was no advice that she could offer her in this circumstance. The class cost over $1000.00. For that price they should have been able to come up with something. Either way, at this point the student needs to reassess her own personal relationship with the mirror and ask is she a doormat? If so, she is being paid by the boss and paying the instructor; so, is it worth it? Is it worth her time to continue the class where she is paying but not getting the much-needed answers? Is it worth her time at the office where she is getting paid but not getting the opportunities that she expected? 

I was walking home from the gym the other day and ran across a woman who knew me growing up because we were in the same choirs. Now that I have not seen her in over thirteen years, she claims that she loves and misses me so much! How I was always so important to her and how she wants to reconnect. Reminiscing about a heart to heart we had the last time that she saw me. The truth is that this young woman used every opportunity she could to bully me growing up. She would gossip to me and tell me of her adventures because there was no one else to tell without it getting back to her mother. She even stole jewelry left to me from my deceased parents’ estate and swore it was her own although there were stones missing in the EXACT same places as mines appealing to her mother to intervene when I called her out on it to my guardians. Now that we are older, she sees that this young person who was her doormat has grown to be strong and independent and she is still dependent on her parents and as all over her other gossip buddies are adults with their own families, they have no time for her shenanigans. This too is a type of relationship.  

All of this is a part of the relationship that she has with herself and the reason that these types of questions are important to note is because eventually her feelings of regret be they simple as in-this class isn’t for me- or complicated like – let me find another way to express myself at work since even the class couldn’t help me- will roll over. She will start to take these peoples actions personally if she isn’t careful. Instead of understanding that her teacher is teaching a class geared to people who eventually start their own business so maybe she isn’t that good at working with difficult people she may feel like she did something wrong and question her abilities to generate productive solutions. Even in a classroom setting.  

The boss may need her because she is better at dealing with difficult situations and instead of shutting down this may be an opportunity to advance her career.  However, if she isn’t careful these insecurities can build causing her to doubt other interactions and feel insecure talking about difficulties with a loved one since she has already failed at attempts to do so in other parts of her life.  

I am going to leave that last story as something for you to think about because education and employment are two very important aspects of our lives. Relationships made at school, and work are prominent. They are necessary because we need both in order to support ourselves. Thus, how they are formulated and what boundaries are established matter. If you cannot get away from a challenging boss or teacher you do not want to end up taking it out on your mate or other loved ones, or worse loose self-confidence. Keep a list. Even if it is only mental. Check off how you felt in difficult situations with how you attempted to resolve them and how you felt after. See what could have been done differently. Then let it go. If you could have made changes then in the future chose to do so. If you MUST take it out on someone or something I suggest a good workout routine. A thinking walk to get rid of all the pent-up stress. Swimming a few laps always does me good. At the very least, write your list out and then burn it before dropping the ashes into a non-flammable bowl filled with water and pouring it into the ground. Just do not keep your emotions bottled up because then they can start to define you and how you interact with others unfairly. You don’t want to hold back in friendships because you are surrounded by @$holes in other areas. You can choose your friends even if you cannot choose your teachers or coworkers. You never know, at the end of the day maybe the student becomes the teacher and the boss gives out a raise?! It all comes down to taking a moment to be honest with yourself about the type of tone you want to set in any and every relationship starting with the relationship you have with yourself.